What About Angels
by prettylittlefans1
Summary: Emily is left broken after Alison's death, how's she supposed to cope with the love of her life snatched away from her so early. Unable to cope she becomes obsessed with the idea of being better, but at what cost. Trigger warnings and will contain a lot of Emison in later chapters. Please read and review.
1. before you read

**WARNING!**

**This story is rated M as if I do continue it will contain triggers Eating disorders, Self harm, Suicide/suicidal thoughts and death. Please don't read if this story if can trigger anything. **


	2. Chapter 1

**Warning contains triggers self harm, suicide, eating disorders, death and mental illness. This is the introduction please leave reviews to let me know whether or not to continue. Alternatives to certain story lines not saying which ones as may contain spoilers. Thank you and please review so I know whether or not to continue the story. **

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All I have to do is jump, push off with my legs and glide through the water, that's all I have to do to win. I stared down at the water taking deep breaths allowing myself to block the noise around myself out. As I hear the whistle blow I dive into the water ignoring how cold it feels against my skin. I begin to swim through the water picking up speed not bothering to look at any of my competition, I have to win this. I lift myself out of the water smiling triumphantly as I hear my name called for first, I've done it but it still doesn't feel like enough.

"That was amazing today honey, we're so proud of you. I know it's been hard for you lately with what happened to Alison", "Mom could we not everyone's been coming up to me telling me how sorry they are for my loss, saying how brave I am, how well I'm coping. I don't feel like Emily any more I just feel like the girl who's best friend was murdered. I walk into rooms and everyone stops talking they look at me as if I'm just going to crumble at any point. When I'm in that pool I'm Emily, not the friend of that dead girl". "I know honey but I'm still proud of you".

I just seem to be staring at my wall half the time there's a picture of Ali her smile so full of life, warmth, laughter all the things she was robbed of. "I love you Ali, I'm sorry I never got to tell you. I wish it was me, not you, you were more than I could ever be. When they find out who took you from us I'll make them pay", I seem to utter these words to no one every night hoping some how they'll get to her, my beautiful Alison. I can't help but wonder where Alison is now is she looking over me, is she too busy in a spa in heaven or is her soul being given a new life somewhere. Where ever she is I hope she's happy, I hope she's not scared and beyond anything I hope she's safe. I know everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault and there's nothing I could've done, but there will always be a part of me that thinks maybe just maybe, I could've stopped it. I could've saved her, I could've taken her place.


	3. Chapter 2

**I will continue the story if people want me to I need you tell me whether or not continue in the reviews thank you. Also there's no Maya or Paige anywhere. thank you and please tell me whether to continue **

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I don't really see the point in eating; I just got to the pool now instead. If I eat then I think, if I think I cry, if I cry people pity me. Why can't she just be here why did she have to die, she was beautiful and perfect and I loved her? I broke up with Ben today, I didn't see the point of dating him any longer, he's not her. No one will ever be her.

"Honey do you want some dinner", "I'm fine thanks mom, I ate earlier", "Are you sure you've been looking so thin and pale lately. Have you actually been eating", "Of course I have", "You know, not eating isn't going to bring her back". I looked at my mom she knows I'm not eating but I can't cave and tell her the truth, she'll insist I stop swimming and get help. I don't need help, it won't help I'll have to talk about Ali, I'll have to think about what that monster did to her. "Mom I'm fine I've been eating I promise I've just increased my swim practises, that's all". I know she's not buying it but she still smiles and nods watching as I walk through the front door. I plug my earphones in pushing play on my iPod, the playlist I made of all Ali's favourite songs comes blaring through as I start jogging. It doesn't take long before I find myself jogging to her old house. I watch as I run past house after house. I look through one window and see a family sat on their couch laughing and eating popcorn, I long for the days when me and Ali would sit on the couch laughing and eating popcorn. We were watching High School Musical she got up and started dancing around singing We're all in this together, her voice was so pretty and her laughter was infectious. That was the first time I realised I loved Ali. I always knew she was special but in that moment, she wasn't just special, she was everything and that feeling never went away. It was as if when she died everything was gone. There was no more laughter, no more singing, no more dancing, no more joy, no more hope, no anything.

So here I stand outside Alison's house, the last place she was ever alive, the last place she took breath. They said she was buried alive, when I heard those words I felt as if I was being buried alive myself. But instead of dirt burying me alive it was sadness, beyond any sadness I could've ever imagined. I remember dropping to my knees when they found her body, I was screaming I was trembling. Spencer tried to comfort me saying that she understood, she didn't understand, Spencer didn't even like Ali how could even begin to think she understood, she barely even shed a tear. I loved Alison and I hate this cruel, sick world for taking her away from me. There's still police tape surrounding the house, the family that had moved in couldn't move away any faster once the body was found. I can feel eyes burning into the back of my head as I stand staring at Alison's old house. I know it's Spencer watching me through her curtains, she watches me every time. I come and stand outside Alison's house every night I always go when my mom is having dinner.

There's a little memorial outside Alison's house I put a rose petal on the memorial every night, I replace the photo I put there with a new one every weekend. It's the last picture I took of Ali before she died, she's sat on a bench in the park laughing, there's an ice cream cone in her hand and a she's wearing a yellow floral dress. She loved to wear yellow; it was the last thing she ever wore. I remember when she first showed me that yellow top, she looked like a ray of sunshine in that top. My sunshine, her light was stifled by darkness and the evil act of one heartless individual. I can still imagine her sat on the porch outside of her house laughing, full of life and happiness. But when I look again I see a dirty, over grown, run down old porch.

I take my time walking home, it's almost curfew but I'm in no hurry to get home. I don't have any assignments left to complete I don't go out anymore and besides swimming I don't have any hobbies. I do all my assignments in the library during lunch or before practice. I'm Acing every class, I make sure my grades don't drop it avoids me getting any more attention. I avoid Spencer and Hanna at school, Aria's not a problem she seems to spend half her time staring at the new English teacher or helping with the projects he's involved with. I'm glad they all seem happy I may still blame them for what happened, but I don't want them to suffer like I am.

I can see my mom sat at her computer she's talking to my dad. I know my mom wants to go and see him in Texas, but I also know my mom won't leave me given my "emotional state" as she puts it. "Hey mom, can I say hi to dad", "Sure honey here you go". I see my dads face on the other side of the screen "Hey Em how's everything going, your mom tells me you're doing very well in your swimming I'm sorry I could make your last meet", "Thank you and it's fine dad how are you anyway". I'm not really paying attention as I mindlessly chatter away to my parents my mom next to me and my dad behind the computer screen. "Night dad", "Night Em", "Night mom", "Night honey". With that I leave my mom still talking to my dad and head up to bed. I curl up on the bed reading Lolita, it was one of Ali's favourite books. I like to like here and read it imagining her voice reading the words to me in my head, that beautiful book, like music to my ears, the voice I loved more than any other sound.


	4. Chapter 3

**I will continue when the story is up to 5 reviews, I do need to know whether or not to continue with this story, if you can let me know it would be really appreciated. This is an Emison story. please review for the rest of the story.**

I don't like waking up, I have to get up at 4am for swim practice and so I can avoid my mom. I hate how dark it is in my room when I open my eyes, I can't help but think about what it was like for Ali. My precious Alison who's last moments were spent buried alive, alone in the darkness. They said from the blunt force trauma on the back of her head they presumed she was unconscious when she died. But there's part of me that imagines her opening her eyes only seeing darkness, opening her mouth scream out for help only to have her lungs fill up with dirt.

I soon turn on the light walking over to the bookshelf against my bedroom wall. I pick up the snow globe gave me the day she died. It's my most prized possession because it's the last thing she ever gave me and she gave me so much. After I've put the snow globe back down I walk over to the photo of me and her sat by the lake, she's got her arms wrapped round my shoulders and we're sharing a pink and orange towel (I still have that towel I keep it safely in my closet). She was so perfect I smile as I allow the memory of her face and the sound of her laughter to fill my head as if she was stood in the room, my angel Ali.

Once I'm dressed I hop into my car and start driving, there's no one around at this time which just how I like it. I know I'll be the only one at the pool apart from coach, no one else is willing to get to school for 6am, but I like to spend as much time swimming as possible. I had to get a new swimming costume yesterday before my mom noticed my old one was so baggy. I haven't eating more than 2 apples in the last 3 months and you can see all my bones. I don't care though, not eating is another thing that I can focus energy on and not think about what happened to my beautiful girl. I wait at the stop sign as the delivery trucks go past giving me time to take a sip of coffee from the flask by me, the taste isn't amazing but I don't put milk or sugar in it anymore it doesn't taste right.

I sigh in relief as I pull up to the pool entrance; I just need to get in the water, I need to distract myself. I don't feel well at all, but that doesn't matter I just need to focus on swimming. The more I practice the better a chance I stand of winning. I breath slightly trying to ignore the sounds of hunger coming from my stomach, I quickly pop a mint in my mouth to try and quieten the noise. It's no use though I'm starving and I know it but I have to ignore it. I grab my bag out of the back carefully getting out the car and steadying myself slightly. "I can do this", I say this every morning before swim practice, it may not be true but I still say it because may be one day it will be.

I stand by my swim locker my towel wrapped over around me as I brush my hair into a pony tail in front of the little mirror by my locker. The locker next to me used to be Ali's, after she went missing it turned into one of many shrines to her. I remember once when we were getting dressed alone, she asked me to help with her bra and I leaned over and lay a kiss on her shoulder. She was furious and she said she liked boys and our kisses were only ever for practice, I wasn't mad though even though, it felt like she'd taken a hammer to my heart. Cause even when she told me she could never like me, like that there was still that perfect sparkle in those blue eyes and I still loved her. I still love her. Once I've got my hair into my swim hat I head towards the swimming pool, the water is beautiful as it catches the sunrise outside.

"Ok Emily we're going to work on your butterfly stroke. Before you get into the pool make sure you stretch your back out, and touch your toes", I do as my coach tells me reaching down to my toes. "Ok Emily now when you're ready jumps in and give me 5 laps of butterfly". I walk t the edge of the pool bending down with my hands on the edge of the pool ready to dive in. I push off the side feeling the water and around me, that's when everything went dark.


	5. Chapter 4

**3 reviews for the next chapter. Please review so I know to keep writing. thank you if you are reviewing I appreciate the reviews a lot. **

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"Emily hey, you have no idea how much I've missed you", I gazed up into those perfect blue eyes smiling back at her. "Am I dead", I ask hoping this isn't just another cruel dream and that my perfect Ali and me are finally reunited. "No honey you're not dead, but you were close. You passed out in the pool, I know you haven't been eating I've been watching you. "I knew you were always here with me. Promise me you'll never leave me again I don't know how to cope without you". "Emily you have no idea how much I've just wanted to reach out and hold you, every time I hear you crying out for me it breaks my heart. But Emily I will always be with you and you've got to promise me you won't give up". "Alison, do you have any idea how empty the world is without you. You're perfect and I don't know why this happened. Ali who took you from us I need to know". "Em I…"

"I think she's waking up", I can hear my moms voice faintly, she sounds so panicked and relieved all in one go. "Mom, where am I, what's going on". "Oh god Emily. I knew you weren't eating I should have been watching you. It's all this stress with swimming scholarships and Ali's death". I feel terrible I didn't even consider how I could be hurting my mom. I can hear the beeping from the heart monitor and I can see the drip at the side. "Mom I'm sorry, I shouldn't, I". "I know Emily it's ok. I've been talking to the doctors and we think it would be best if you were transferred to the eating disorder clinic. I also think you need to stop swimming at least for the time being". I don't know how to reply so instead I just look out of the window gazing at the sunset outside. I know my mom is only doing what she thinks is best for me, but this is the one thing I've been trying to avoid if I'm away from my studies and my swimming, I'll be forced to think and then I'll be forced to share my thoughts with strangers. I'll have to sit and eat while someone watches over me making sure I don't hide my food or throw it away like I do at home. There's no point in arguing with my mom though, I know she won't let me come home until I've done as she asks.

I've finally been left alone with the order to get some sleep. May be I should sleep, if I go to sleep may be I'll see Alison again sat by my bed smiling at me. I miss that smile; it was the kind of smile that out shone ever star. I remember one time when we all went camping together and while they were all gazing up at the stars, I just gazed at Ali, she was more beautiful than the stars. We toasted marshmallows on the campfire and made smores, we ate our way through 2 bags of marshmallows, three boxes of gram crackers and 3 bars of chocolate. We spent most of the night laughing and passing the torch round telling ghost stories and dreaming about our futures. I couldn't help it as I felt the tears running down my face thinking back to that night; Ali had been so full of hopes and dreams, dreaming about a future that would never come.

"Ok Emily, this is doctor Anna she's the psychiatrist here, anything you tell her will stay in confidence unless she believes you could be a danger to yourself or others", the doctor explains this to me as I try and pay attention. The psychiatrist sits down next to me smiling sympathetically, it's the same smile everyone seemed to give me after Ali disappeared and then when they found the body. "Ok Emily lets start by talking about why you think you're here", her voice is soft and calm, it sounds almost like she's worried if she talks normally I'll shatter. "Because I fainted in the swimming pool", "Yes but why did you faint in the swimming pool", "I hadn't eaten enough". "Ok Emily and why didn't you eat do you think", "I didn't feel like it", I reply not really caring about the questions, she doesn't know me and I'm not going to tell a complete stranger what I can barely tell myself. "So Emily I heard you were a swimmer do you want to talk about that ", "Um sure. I've been swimming since I was six and competing since I was eight. I always enjoyed the challenge that it came with and I'm hoping to be able to get a swimming scholarship so I've been working as hard as I can". Dr Anna smiles at me and nods her head making some notes in the folder on her lap. "Ok well that was good I'll see you again soon Emily", I nod back at her as she leaves breathing out a sigh of relief she didn't ask about Ali. Everyone asks about Ali, they ask me how I feel about it, if I'm ok how could I ever be ok my soul mate died.


	6. Chapter 5

**Thank you for the reviews, I love hearing you're feedback, to answer a question left by guest regarding whether or not Alison is alive she may or may not be I can't answer that as it may be a spoiler. Please keep leaving your reviews and I'm going to start updating the story more often but with shorter chapter sort of like diary entries (not written in diary styler though), thank you.**

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I started today by being weighed in a tiny room with a doctor and nurse watching. They checked to see if I had anything hidden on me that could affect the results of the scale reading. After I'd be weighed and they'd explained to me I was severely underweight and malnourished. They then showed me to a new room in the eating disorders clinic, they explained to me that lunch would be served in my room. I don't understand what all the fuss is about sure I can feel my bones poking through my flesh but when I look I'm no where near thin. I see so many other patients walking around a boy and a girl are holding hands and talking both of them are very thin. "Will I have a roommate", it seems the most logical question my parents could never afford a private room for me and the insurance wouldn't cover it. "No you won't have a roommate, we have a common room where you can talk to other patients and there's group therapy as well. You've see a therapist 3-4 times a week and we're hoping you won't be here more than 3 weeks", the nurse explained. I just don't too shocked to say anything. 3 weeks, 3 weeks stuck talking about my feeling, having people analyse my behaviour. I still don't even know what I'm doing here, I want to go to sleep, I'm exhausted and I want to see Ali again. The other day when I was in my room it felt so real like she was really there sat in the chair next to me, I could feel the warmth of her hand on my arm. I know everyone keeps telling me to move on and accept what's happened it's been a year since they found her body. I didn't even want to accept they'd found her body, she'd been missing for a year before they found the body, it took 9 months for me to finally accept she was dead. I know Ali's dead, but I just don't want her to be.

"Ok Emily I'm going to show you some pictures and I want you to tell me your emotional response to them", the therapist explained sitting in front of me. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at this, how is looking at pictures going to help me. "Ok Emily what's your response to this", she holds up a picture of a swimming pool, "determination I guess" , I reply trying to keep my answers relatively neutral. "And this", she holds up a picture of a house "boring", I'm just trying to say the first thing that comes to mind without blurting out something I'll regret. "this", she holds up a picture of an apple, I wrinkle my nose slightly and shrug. "How about this", she holds up a picture of a group of friends laughing and holding hands, that's when I start crying. I remember when the five of us used to hold hands and laugh, we'd go shopping and try on clothes. "It's ok Emily, if you like we can talk about, I can give you a moment or if you want I can show you the other pictures". I snuffle bit before replying "it's ok we can carry on", "Ok if you're sure", I nod back and she continues. "This", I gasp in horror there's a giant red A on the sheet she's holding in front of me. "What's wrong do you not like dogs", the therapist asks a she turned the picture round a look of confusing spreading across her face. "I have no idea how this got here", I'll be back in a minute. The A that's yet one more thing in my life that taunts me, it all started the day before Alison's body was found, I got a note in my gym bag taunting me about my crush on Ali. The next message came at her funeral, I was so convinced it was her, it was the main reason it 9 months for me to even accept she'd died. Even if Ali had been A and taunting me was her way of getting my attention, I wouldn't care just as long as it meant she was alive and safe. But as time went on the notes started appearing in places like on the Alison memorial that's opposite Spencer's bedroom window, there was no way Alison could have placed it there, I realised it's just someone's idea of a cruel joke. That was the only thing about being in the hospital I didn't even think A could get to me here. It's as I thinking I noticed A notice slide under the door, I wish I could see who'd but it there but there's no windows to the corridor in the room and when I open the door no one's there. I shakily pick up the note unfolding dreading the words that lay inside. **_Dear Emily. Here's a little advice, from me, if you tell anyone about me I'll make sure the only time you leave this place will be in a straight jacket. Then you can go to Radley and you can be alone with your thoughts all day and all night, for the rest of your life. I'm watching. –A. _** I frantically hide the note as I hear the therapist come back into the room, "Ok Emily well what we're going to do later is we're going to measure your stress levels when you look at certain food. It's nothing to worry about we'll just be measuring you're pulse and brain waves it won't hurt a bit I promise. That's going to be in about 3 hours so you can go and have lunch now and I'll see you later", with hat the therapist escorting Emily back to her room just as a nurse came in with a selection of sandwiches.


	7. Chapter 6

**I'm really sorry it's been so long since I updated, I lost the entire story and it took me a while to retrieve it. Please review, I need to know whether or not to continue. Thank you.**

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Today was pretty boring after spending yesterday covered in wires measuring brain waves and pulse rate while being shown picture after picture of food, I spent today in a room with several other patients being told to paint my feelings. For a start I don't like painting and secondly I sure as hell don't want to think about how I'm feeling. I just ended up paint a picture of Ali lying in a field surrounded by flowers, smiling brightly at me from the canvas. I looked around to see other patients painting whatever they can see around them and others just hitting the canvas with the brush. I don't really feel like talking to the other patients I see them talking to each other, but I don't know what we'd have to talk about if I did. I can't even talk to Spencer, Aria or even Hanna about anything anymore let alone a stranger who knows nothing of the loss I feel. I sort of feel like I'm trapped in a bubble, but I suppose in my own way I like my bubble. I later got asked to therapy where we discussed the meaning of my picture and how it represents my feelings. The therapist began by asking who the girl was, I replied telling her it was Alison somehow and I still don't know how I ended up telling her the story how she disappeared then they found the body. She then proceeded to tell me she couldn't imagine how hard that must have been and did I feel as if by not eating it made up for her life being cut short. I said no, although I think she knew part of me was lying. It was from then she started to move on to something that made me feel very uncomfortable, did I want to join Alison. Of course I wanted to join Alison, she was the most amazing person ever how could I not, but I couldn't say that she'd tell my parents she thought I was a danger to myself and then I'd be stuck here even longer, so instead I just dismissed it saying she was gone and I just wish she wasn't.

The first time it really hit me Ali was death was 9 months after the body was I was cycling do the road like I always did every Sunday morning when I realised. I realised Ali would never see another Sunday morning hear the birds sing, feel the wind in her hair or ride a bike. The more I thought about it the more furiously I peddled I started heading towards the main road in and out of Rosewood. I stopped just as I saw the cars go whizzing past, then I saw it a huge truck hurtling down the road. But to me it suddenly wasn't a truck it was a chance to be with Ali, a chance to be with Ali forever. For some reason though just as I was about to cycle in front of the truck I felt a hand on my shoulder and I stopped just as the truck went hurtling past, but when I turned there was no one there. I realised then I didn't deserve to be happy because I'd let Ali down, I had to make it up to her and I couldn't join her until I'd found a way to make it up to her. So I stopped eating I focused all my energy on swimming and tried to distract myself from thinking about how I should of done something, the only that mattered no was punishing myself and making it up to her. I had to help find out who killed her and make sure they were punished. Until we could punish the person who took my sweet Ali away I would go on punishing myself.


	8. Chapter 7

"Emily we're worried you may be severely depressed, it's been 3 weeks here and you've eaten a single potato chip and a piece of celery. You won't eat we've had to give you sedatives to get you to sleep, you won't talk to anyone. I can't argue that your schoolwork isn't still of a very high standard, but it seems to be the only thing you do," the doctor paused for a second looking at me with sympathy before a sudden severity overcame her face. "Emily have you ever either tried to or had suicidal thoughts, I know I've asked you before but you need to tell me the truth, or it will never get any better". I shake my head violently "Of course I haven't". "Ok Emily but if you do you need to tell me, do you understand", I nod, "Good if you can eat 3 meals a day for the next week, I will release you. But you will need counselling several times a week ". "Ok is that everything", "Yes that's everything I'm going to talk to your parents now just so they understand. You can go back to class now". I breathe a sigh of relief as I leave the doctors office, school is the only thing here that can distract me, I'm not aloud to take part in any other activities because I'm apparently so malnourished my immune system is at risk, I'm also to weak to do most things. God what would Ali think if she saw me, I look in the mirror and all I see is myself getting bigger needing to work harder and loose more weight, but when I run my hands over my body I can just feel skin and bone. But none it matters I don't deserve health when someone so precious has their life ripped away from them and I could've done something.

Hanna Marin came to see me the other day some how the whole school had found out the truth about where I was (I can thank A for that one). Hanna sat just staring at me for the first ten minutes as if I was a glass that would shatter if she said the wrong thing. I eventually got fed up of her just staring and decided to ask her how she was. Asking her how she was may be wasn't the best idea she starting crying and apologising saying she didn't realise, saying she shouldn't have left me alone after Ali died. It's not her fault I'm like I am now, she didn't murder Ali, even if like me she could saved her. I'm still guiltier than Hanna, Spencer or Aria because none of them loved her like I did, as the one person I loved above any others it was job to protect her. Once Hanna had finally managed to pull herself together, she asked if I'd had any more A notes. I just nodding fiddling with my jacket, she decided to drop the subject, she just rambled on about school and clothes while I stared at her trying to work out how, how could she just act like everything was fine. She was with me for about an hour before she was told by the nurse visiting was over. As Hanna stood to go she bent down giving me a hug I could feel her wincing as she felt my bony frame beneath her arms. She smiled one last time in an effort to fight back further tears before walking out of the room.


	9. Chapter 8

**I left the story for a bit as it didn't seem to have much interest. If would like me to continue please tell me in the reviews. **

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I asked the nurse if I could have a magazine to read, I'm absolutely bored out of my mind here. She promptly explained to me that magazines weren't allowed as they contained imagery that could be harmful. I understand where she's coming from but at the same time I only stopped eating because I didn't feel I deserved to. All I do is sit in my room struggling down a few mouthfuls of my food hoping it would be enough for my doctor to let me go home, she said I have to stay until my blood pressure is a bit higher and they've put me on various different medications. I overheard the doctor talking to my mom about putting me onto anti-depressants, my mom agreed but the doctor said she wasn't going to put me on them till tomorrow. I stare as the sandwich in front of me, I know it's taunting me I can hear my stomach complaining at how empty it is. I take a deep breath and take a bite, I chew the sandwich it my mouth as tears pour down my cheeks. I feel so much hatred for myself as I swallow the bite, I don't deserve to eat, I shouldn't be sat here eating when the monster who killed my Ali is still out there. I take a few more bite taking deep breaths and reminding myself I'll be out the sooner I start eating again. The sooner I'm out of here the sooner I can focus on what really matters, finding out who killed Alison. I try to smile at the nurse as she walks in and congratulates me on eating something. "You're moms here honey", the nurse tells me as well before leaving the room. I nod to her and head out the room to the visitors room. I see my mom sat in a chair awkwardly shifting around. She smiles weakly at me when she sees me coming, she looks so tired and her hair looks dull. I feel terrible for how I'm making her feel, it's not her fault some monster took Ali away from me. I never meant to punish her I only meant to punish myself. "Hi mom", I smile trying to sound happy. "Hey, Emmy you're looking much brighter today", she tells me but I know she's lying, "yeah I had some toast for breakfast, then I had a sandwich about 10 minutes ago", "that's great, I'm really proud of you honey". My mom is being really nice to me and I don't deserve it, I wish I could tell her to stop. Tell her I'm not looking better, tell her she can drop the act, tell me I'm a disappointment and tell her I don't matter when whoever took my sunshine away is still out there. "So I spoke to your dad he's coming home tomorrow, there letting him come back so he can see you, so that should be nice", I nod back at my mom picking at the skin on my thumb. "Yeah it'll be good to see dad again, I've missed him", "I know he's going to be home for two week so hopefully if you keep things up, they might release you in 3 days and me and your dad can take you somewhere nice as a family", "that sounds great, I'll do my best. The doctor said I can go home once my blood pressure has gone up. So hopefully I'll be back with you can dad soon", my mom just nods, she looks so lost, so afraid. It's like my mom thinks if she says the wrong thing I might just shatter like glass in front of her eyes. I feel like telling my mom it's hard to shatter someone when they're practically a pile of dust.

The nurse comes into the visitor's room to tell my mom that visiting hours are over. I love my mom but pretending everything is fine drains what little energy I have and to be honest my mom looks relieved. I love my mom but I know she can't bear to see me like this. I wish I could make her understand that I'm not trying to hurt her, that I still love her, I just don't think that I deserve to be ok. I know she's fighting back the tears every time she looks at me. I remember Hanna's reaction when she came here. I wish I could explain so that everyone would understand. It's not about attention or wanting help. It's punishment because Ali died and I shouldn't have let that happen. I should have been there to protect her and until I know what happened I will not stop what I'm doing.


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